Funny blog
Date Night
February/04/2010 10:23 AM Filed in: Humor | Husbands | Couples | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star
Date Night
By Nicole Hanratty
When it comes to date night, I feel just like the kid in Sixteen Candles whose parents are pushing him into the high school dance as he’s resisting, “I wanna go home. I wanna be with you guys!” Only in our scenario, it’s the kids pushing us out the front door because the babysitter is way more fun, as is our house without Mom and Dad. But it is the one night of the week when my husband and I know we get to walk away from the house, leave our concerns behind—hypothetically—and enjoy an adult dinner at a nice restaurant (sans the overpriced penne pasta with butter).
Ironically, dining alone seems to produce record speed service in even the finest of dining establishments. The beverages, bread and appetizer seem to appear within minutes of us being seated and the waiter stands eager by our tableside to take our entrée order. If we bring children to the same restaurant, it could be twenty minutes before we see a morsel of bread or a sip of water, which produces grumpy, hungry and restless kids. Likely the entire ordeal will take a full two hours—I have always postured that they must have to run to the market and buy the mac n’ cheese to make for the kiddies—with us paying $25.00 per bowl of cheesy noodles and wishing we had just gone to CPK which the kids were begging for in the first place. However when the hubby and I show up alone ready to relax and enjoy a fully pampered three-course two-hour meal, we are in and out in fifty-five minutes flat. Read More...
By Nicole Hanratty
When it comes to date night, I feel just like the kid in Sixteen Candles whose parents are pushing him into the high school dance as he’s resisting, “I wanna go home. I wanna be with you guys!” Only in our scenario, it’s the kids pushing us out the front door because the babysitter is way more fun, as is our house without Mom and Dad. But it is the one night of the week when my husband and I know we get to walk away from the house, leave our concerns behind—hypothetically—and enjoy an adult dinner at a nice restaurant (sans the overpriced penne pasta with butter).
Ironically, dining alone seems to produce record speed service in even the finest of dining establishments. The beverages, bread and appetizer seem to appear within minutes of us being seated and the waiter stands eager by our tableside to take our entrée order. If we bring children to the same restaurant, it could be twenty minutes before we see a morsel of bread or a sip of water, which produces grumpy, hungry and restless kids. Likely the entire ordeal will take a full two hours—I have always postured that they must have to run to the market and buy the mac n’ cheese to make for the kiddies—with us paying $25.00 per bowl of cheesy noodles and wishing we had just gone to CPK which the kids were begging for in the first place. However when the hubby and I show up alone ready to relax and enjoy a fully pampered three-course two-hour meal, we are in and out in fifty-five minutes flat. Read More...
2010 Hot Topics
2010 Observations (So far...)
By Nicole Hanratty
1. It's now easier for a women over the age of 40 to find a husband than it is to find a job.
2. The "Good Life" has been sent a notice of abandonment, (even by those who can still afford it).
3. Dear Mr. President, Vegas is on our "Not Giving Up No Matter What" list, along with our hairdressers and home shopping network habit. Sincerely, The USA
4. Celebrity glamour is what it used to be.
5. Everything everyone says can be you-tubed, tweeted, facebooked, and blogged for all eternity to remember, unfortunately. (Our poor kids.) Read More...
By Nicole Hanratty
1. It's now easier for a women over the age of 40 to find a husband than it is to find a job.
2. The "Good Life" has been sent a notice of abandonment, (even by those who can still afford it).
3. Dear Mr. President, Vegas is on our "Not Giving Up No Matter What" list, along with our hairdressers and home shopping network habit. Sincerely, The USA
4. Celebrity glamour is what it used to be.
5. Everything everyone says can be you-tubed, tweeted, facebooked, and blogged for all eternity to remember, unfortunately. (Our poor kids.) Read More...
Garage Tells All
February/01/2010 11:35 AM Filed in: Humor | Women | Storage | Life Stages | Life of a Rock Star | Nicole Hanratty
Garage Tells All
By Nicole Hanratty
The vast majority of us all start out in the same place post college--renting an apartment and dreaming of the day we will sign our life away to a mortgage and have shelter we can call our own that includes our very own garage. In these youthful and optimistic days, we see a white sparkling clean well-organized space that perfectly fits our car, bicycle, washer and dryer, along with a cabinet that can be used to store a few mementos.
Within days of having the coveted keys to the new front door, we surrender and designate the garage for all of the boxes of things we have accumulated over the years and have no idea what to do with, yet we begged our parents to save. The tennis racket circa 1980s, soccer trophies, the art work from first grade, the notes we passed back and forth to our best friends in junior high school--back when they still called it junior high--fill boxes that we forgot even existed until the day Mom and Dad showed up with them in lieu of a house warming present. They muttered something sweet like, "Here's all your crap," then pulled away faster than Mario Andretti. Read More...
By Nicole Hanratty
The vast majority of us all start out in the same place post college--renting an apartment and dreaming of the day we will sign our life away to a mortgage and have shelter we can call our own that includes our very own garage. In these youthful and optimistic days, we see a white sparkling clean well-organized space that perfectly fits our car, bicycle, washer and dryer, along with a cabinet that can be used to store a few mementos.
Within days of having the coveted keys to the new front door, we surrender and designate the garage for all of the boxes of things we have accumulated over the years and have no idea what to do with, yet we begged our parents to save. The tennis racket circa 1980s, soccer trophies, the art work from first grade, the notes we passed back and forth to our best friends in junior high school--back when they still called it junior high--fill boxes that we forgot even existed until the day Mom and Dad showed up with them in lieu of a house warming present. They muttered something sweet like, "Here's all your crap," then pulled away faster than Mario Andretti. Read More...
Buzzwords at Home
April/09/2009 02:31 PM Filed in: Humor | Moms | Husbands | Women | Buzzwords | Life of a Rock Star | Nicole Hanratty
The Time report on the Top Ten Buzz Words for 2008 got me thinking about how these popularized words are impacting my life now in 2009.
10. Topless Meeting
While no one has asked me to turn my phone off in a brainstorming meeting, my husband has strict rules for date night. I am not allowed to text, email, google or twitter, much less take a call. And while I would like to bring my laptop along for quick access to movie times and reviews, restaurant suggestions, access to information that would settle our debate of the evening, and maybe sneak in a blog post while he is paying the bill, my computer is not allowed along either. Some might call this Topless Dating.
9. Tweet
Twitter is at my fingertips 24-7 with my favorite Tweetie iphone app. I can’t leave home or climb in bed without it. My favorite function of Tweetie is the Nearby feature. I love to see who is Tweeting in my neighborhood. Just one year ago, I wouldn’t have even known what the Tweet was going on. Read More...
Spring Break 2009: Staycationing
April/06/2009 10:01 AM Filed in: Vacation | Holiday | Moms | Staycation | Humor | Life of a Rock Star | GG
Staycationing
By GG
It is a glorious, yet rare spring day: 78º in Southern California. The kind of day that makes residents remember why we live here...the kind that makes tourists decide to move here...the kind of day with no sports or activities for my very active family. That is what makes it rare. So rare that it hasn't happened in our always on the go home since November 2008.
When it happened in last fall, we went away on vacation. But this spring, we’re taking the ever-popular “staycation” and today we all slept in--waking up to TV instead of alarm clocks. We marveled at the idea of freedom: there was no need to search for cleats and uniforms, no ice chest to pack, no presents to purchase or wrap. This freedom allowed time to make breakfast in bed for the kids, served on trays filled with French toast, strawberries, bacon and love. (Ok, really they were cookie sheets designed to avoid powdered sugar & syrup landing on their beds, but it was still done with love!) Read More...
"How To" Refill the Soap Dispenser
by Nicole Hanratty
It's tricky, I know. You actually have to pull the top off of the soap dispenser to squirt more liquid inside. It takes a bit of effort but the rewards are spectacular! Once you replace the lid--Voila!--one press produces enough soap to wash a sink full of dishes.
Just follow three easy steps: 1) Remove top. 2) Pour more soap inside the container--we keep the refill bottle under the kitchen sink--and leave an inch or so of space on top. 3) Slide the pump back inside. Read More...
Life of a Rock Star Birthday
My sister Gina's birthday was this week and she has been kind enough to share with our readers what a real Life of a Rock Star™ Mom's birthday is all about:
• Get served breakfast in bed. Well, why wouldn't she wake up to her kids and hubby bringing her steaming hot coffee, crunchy toast and not over-cooked-with-a-dash-of-cheese scrambled eggs while she slowly awakens to the beautiful day? Maybe because her sweet hubby doesn't know how to push the 'On' button for the coffee maker--even though she had gotten it all ready the night before--and needed our Life of a Rock Star™ Mom to head down the steps to get the java brewing. "Oh honey, while you're down there can you just get out your special bread, (she has Celiac Sprue), from the freezer 'cause we're not sure where it is?" Then climb back in bed to enjoy your prepared meal. Read More...
• Get served breakfast in bed. Well, why wouldn't she wake up to her kids and hubby bringing her steaming hot coffee, crunchy toast and not over-cooked-with-a-dash-of-cheese scrambled eggs while she slowly awakens to the beautiful day? Maybe because her sweet hubby doesn't know how to push the 'On' button for the coffee maker--even though she had gotten it all ready the night before--and needed our Life of a Rock Star™ Mom to head down the steps to get the java brewing. "Oh honey, while you're down there can you just get out your special bread, (she has Celiac Sprue), from the freezer 'cause we're not sure where it is?" Then climb back in bed to enjoy your prepared meal. Read More...
Inferiority Complex
Inferiority Complex
by Nicole Hanratty
It's not easy being the ultra-successful Tracy Bobbitt's friend.
Sure, there are days when she is ready to pull her hair out because
she has triple booked her 2:00 P.M. time slot with three different
appointments in three different counties to discuss ten new projects
of which she is completely overwhelmed by and I think, "Sucks to be
her!" But, truthfully, even then I am jealous.
This week alone, she is off to the east coast honoring her father--
along with a hundred other United States Senators--as he receives a
lifetime achievement award. In my lifetime I won't know anyone so
special as to deserve such accolades, yet this is her progenitor.
While at the same time, back on the west coast, this week her daughter
Jordan is off filming a movie--The Hangover--and her husband, Russell Bobbitt, is rocking the props on set. Did I mention that Tracy is also taking multiple orders from
elite stores such as Kitson, Beverly Hills which are clambering to get
her Crib Rock Couture on their shelves for the holidays? Read More...
by Nicole Hanratty
It's not easy being the ultra-successful Tracy Bobbitt's friend.
Sure, there are days when she is ready to pull her hair out because
she has triple booked her 2:00 P.M. time slot with three different
appointments in three different counties to discuss ten new projects
of which she is completely overwhelmed by and I think, "Sucks to be
her!" But, truthfully, even then I am jealous.
This week alone, she is off to the east coast honoring her father--
along with a hundred other United States Senators--as he receives a
lifetime achievement award. In my lifetime I won't know anyone so
special as to deserve such accolades, yet this is her progenitor.
While at the same time, back on the west coast, this week her daughter
Jordan is off filming a movie--The Hangover--and her husband, Russell Bobbitt, is rocking the props on set. Did I mention that Tracy is also taking multiple orders from
elite stores such as Kitson, Beverly Hills which are clambering to get
her Crib Rock Couture on their shelves for the holidays? Read More...
Best Friends
March/02/2009 02:19 PM Filed in: Friends | Humor | Shopping | Coffee | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star
by Nicole Hanratty
You know I love my coffee, it gets me through the day. The steaming hot cup of sanity navigates me as I attend to the Monday morning marketing, laundry, car wash, pet store and dry cleaners. It gives me clarity and makes me whole. Java is my best friend and without it I am lost.
But today, in a tragic turn of events my BFF was squandered. I added a splash of soy milk, replaced the lid and walked away from the coffee bar only to realize far too late that the reason I was not tasting any of my beloved beverage is because I was pouring it down the right side of my body. No, it was not coming out of the plastic hole on top of the lid for my perched lips to sip because the lid was ajar and the coffee was instead pouring through the crack between the top of the cup and the bottom of the lid. Read More...
Mammogram Fun
By Nicole Hanratty
Okay so no one really has fun getting a mammogram, but they are so important to have annually that I figure I may as well find the humor in them to encourage women everywhere to make that dreaded phone call, schedule an appointment and get their boobies squeezed.
Never had one? Check your modesty at the door. Read More...
On Tour
September/23/2008 02:45 PM Filed in: Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Travel | Humor | Satire
by Nicole Hanratty
It’s been a year full of travel and this Rock Star is ready to unpack her suitcases for the remainder of the year.
There have been some bumpy flights, cancelled plans, airport dramas, annoying inconveniences and general travel mayhem along the way, but there were only a few things this Diva (to my husband’s dismay) and our offspring couldn’t handle. The best of the complaints are compiled here in a list for your enjoyment (hopefully) and sympathy (unlikely). Read More...
One Good Compliment
by Nicole Hanratty
Monday mornings are rarely, if ever, jump out of bed with a smile on your face days. Most of us struggle just to get our feet on the floor and find our way to the coffee pot.
Once we fill our mugs and start to wake up we face the reality of the emails chores and to do lists that must be dealt with for the day. We take a glance at the week at large and instantly begin to long for Friday already.
This morning was no different for me until I logged on to my computer and received the sweetest random compliment (Thank you L!) My negative mood took a turn for the positive side and my errands suddenly didn’t seem so humdrum anymore. Read More...
Sensor Wife
September/05/2008 02:31 PM Filed in: Husbands | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Humor | Satire
by Nicole Hanratty
Welcome to my morning.
As my husband and I stand in line one after the other waiting to fill our own coffee cups with fresh pressed coffee from my favorite appliance in the house, (our Miele cup by cup coffee maker that turns out six different flavors--decaf and regular--cappuccinos and espressos), I turned the dial to make my own personally programmed favorite cup of coffee.
My husband stands behind me, empty mug in hand, and asks, “Is the coffee maker actually still programmed for all of the different types of coffee capsules that are in it?”
“Of course,” Miss Organized informs. Read More...
Cereal Diet
by Nicole Hanratty
I know my mother in law is panicking right now thinking that I’m about to announce that I have served my husband nothing but cereal for the past week. I can see her and her sister-in-law, (thanks for being one of my most loyal readers Aunt Carol), on the phone right now trying to determine if they should call Husband Protective Services on me. But hold on to those casseroles you’re about to rush over, your son has been eating just fine.
(For all of my serial dieting friends, this one’s for you.)
Rise and shine it’s six a.m.; time to disrobe, hit the scale, and decide whether this an “Egg’s benedict with pancakes on the side, I can eat whatever I want” day or an “I’ll just have fruit” kind of a morning. Will you be shoveling down cheese dip with Tostitos for lunch, (thanks for sharing with me T), or licking the wrapper of your Fi-Bar for extra morsels? Read More...
20 Year Reunion Crashers
August/08/2008 02:04 PM Filed in: Reunion | Events | Life of a Rock Star | Nicole Hanratty | Humor | Satire
Kristen Antillon, Heather Lipari and
NicoleHanratty,
20-Year Reunion Crashers
by Nicole Hanratty
Chatsworth High School Class of 1988 had their twenty-year high school reunion last Saturday night and yours truly was among the younger classman who crashed in on it.
How could I resist?
No. 1 My sister, who so lovingly toted her younger sister out and about with her to all of the fun parties, was in that class. I couldn’t miss seeing all those older boys I hung out with while avoiding the less cool guys my own age and her fun loving girlfriends who never left me out of the joke. Read More...
Dog Flight
June/30/2008 01:48 PM Filed in: Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Family | Satire | Dogs | Humor | Travel
by Nicole Hanratty
Family vacations are always fun! They really bring out the best in marriages. Find me a couple traveling with children and I’ll show you a husband and wife who are bickering over the responsibilities that go along with it. Throw a dog into the traveling mix and I’ll show you an all out battle.
Were it not against all laws of matrimony, the picture above would be of my loving husband asleep with his mouth wide open sitting on the plane totally oblivious to the world around him. Which brings me to the nice man who was, unfortunately for him, seated next to me and left to fill my hubby’s sleeping shoes. Read More...
Summertime Fun
June/20/2008 01:30 PM Filed in: Activities | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Charity | Humor | Satire | Weather
by Nicole Hanratty
How many days, hours or minutes were your kids released from school and let out into the wild before you hammered them down with “The Lecture?” You know the one... “If this is how you’re going to act then I’m signing you up for ____(insert torturous activity, e.g. summer school, macrame, volunteer work)___ and shipping you off to ____(insert undesirable location, e.g. Great Grandma’s house, sleep away camp in Yuma, Arizona)___.
I like to keep a scratch count of how many times during the summer I actually reiterate that lecture. When my scratch count begins to resemble a never-ending picket fence on a long drive in the country, I usually decide it is time for one. I strap on my seatbelt and don’t look back... Read More...
Idol Gives Back Bake Sale
May/21/2008 12:54 PM Filed in: Charity | Bake Sale | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Humor | Satire
by Nicole Hanratty
Today’s school fundraiser is a bake sale for Idol Gives Back. It is a great cause and I am more than happy to tie on my apron and put my over-priced kitchen appliances to work! When I put on my Baker Extraordinaire Chef’s Hat there is no limit to what I can create but the number one request was for home made cupcakes. Read More...
Bedtime Routines
May/15/2008 12:43 PM Filed in: Dogs | Bedtime | Nicole Hanratty | Husbands | Life of a Rock Star | Humor | Satire
by Nicole Hanratty
Ah, bedtime routines. They're not just for newborns...we all have them. In fact, through adulthood, many of us rely upon them to fall asleep and some of us simply can't operate without them.
In my house, I believe that our bedtime routines are so vital that they actually directly affect the cosmic pull of the earth's rotation. I am so superstitious about all of these Ground Hog Day things happening over and over again that I wait for them, watch for them and then, BAM! When they happen, I check them off my list one by one and am slowly reassured that all is right with the world... Read More...
Spray On Tan
by Nicole Hanratty
With summer around the corner, a tan is vital to pulling off shorts, sundresses and tank tops without anyone being scared off by your ghostly white existence! The pressure is on to show up bronzed, but this wrinkle-a-phoebe doesn’t want to appear 80 before her time, so I booked the next available appointment at a swanky salon for a hand painted Spray-On Tan.
Never had one? I hadn’t either... and my guess is, I never will again. Read More...
The Dodgers are Going All the Way
The Dodgers Are Going
All the Way This Year...
by Nicole Hanratty
The Dodgers beat the Pittsburgh Pirates last Wednesday night 8 to 1. (Here’s the whole scoop.)
It was the first Dodger game we attended this season and we loved every minute of it! First stop, new hat purchase. Second stop, Dodger Dogs. Third stop, the best seats in the house - compliments of my husband’s client. Read More...
Watered Down
Watered Downby Nicole Hanratty
With so many sayings about water, it would be a shame not to dig deeper into the well and find out what is it about this clear combination of chemicals that we drink up.
Important and flawless people, like my husband, can supposedly walk on water. (Hey, I need all the brownie points I can get!) Stubborn people are led to water but cannot be forced to take in what is obviously good for them. (Kids not eating their veggies?) A forgiven disagreement is said to be water under the bridge. Translation: A compassionate husband understanding the American Express bill balance... Sorry dear, I know sometimes I spend money like water. Weak assertions are not strong enough not to hold water. (“We’re just friends!” Yeah, right.) Water and oil don’t mix. (Could this be a reference to In-Laws?) And everyone knows loyalty goes to the kin because blood is thicker than water. (Don’t even think of hurting someone in my family or you’ll be in hot water...) Read More...
The Way I See It
March/11/2008 07:08 PM Filed in: Personality Types | Coffee | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Humor | Satire
by Nicole Hanratty
Good morning coffee drinkers! I know you’re up, caffeinated and ready to start the day.
Here’s a little something for you to nibble on while you pour that next cup.
Recently I completed a pain-staking study* contemplating the different types of coffee drinkers** and I am just brewing to share my very unscientific non-factual completely not concrete findings*** with you!**** Read More...
Bikini Season Has Begun
March/09/2008 06:58 PM Filed in: Shopping | Fashion | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Humor | Satire | Weather
by Nicole Hanratty
FYI! Bikini Days 2008 have begun! And, from now ‘til October, there’s no other outfit I’d rather wear! I’ll be shopping for one cute suit for every day of the week and two for Saturdays, (one for the sand and one for late night hot tubbing!)
I know not everyone gets to spend their Sundays lunching by the Pacific Ocean, feeling the hot sun, refreshing breeze and sand between their toes, but I did today. Lucky me! There’s no place finer than Malibu’s own Paradise Cove to spend a beautiful perfect spring day. The overly crowded beach is a great reminder that summer is just around the corner. Are you ready? Read More...
Bikini Season Has Begun
March/09/2008 06:58 PM Filed in: Shopping | Fashion | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Humor | Satire | Weather
by Nicole Hanratty
FYI! Bikini Days 2008 have begun! And, from now ‘til October, there’s no other outfit I’d rather wear! I’ll be shopping for one cute suit for every day of the week and two for Saturdays, (one for the sand and one for late night hot tubbing!)
I know not everyone gets to spend their Sundays lunching by the Pacific Ocean, feeling the hot sun, refreshing breeze and sand between their toes, but I did today. Lucky me! There’s no place finer than Malibu’s own Paradise Cove to spend a beautiful perfect spring day. The overly crowded beach is a great reminder that summer is just around the corner. Are you ready? Read More...
Save the Socks
by Nicole Hanratty
Ah... laundry day. Fresh hot out of the dryer comes a clean pair of socks. One seems to have a little hole in the sole, the other doesn’t. Should you toss the whole pair? Save the good one in case you are ever in need of an extra? Or roll their tops together and quietly sneak them back into the drawer? (After all, a little extra ventilation never hurt anybody, did it?)
Before you judge, open your own sock drawers. Go ahead! Look through all of them. I dare you. I guarantee you will find at least one sock with holes in it! Read More...
Weather Wars
By Nicole Hanratty
It’s always fun to brag about the great weather that we have in Southern California to my not so lucky cousins that live with freezing cold temperatures, ice, sleet and snow! They are always jealous when at this time of year we are enjoying 80 degree weather with blue skies, while they are still shoveling out their driveways... Who needs seasons anyway?
I really like to rub it in by sending photos of myself at the beach, driving in a convertible, applying sunscreen, BBQing in the backyard, donning shades and even an umbrella to keep the warm sun off of my back! Read More...
Weather Wars
By Nicole Hanratty
It’s always fun to brag about the great weather that we have in Southern California to my not so lucky cousins that live with freezing cold temperatures, ice, sleet and snow! They are always jealous when at this time of year we are enjoying 80 degree weather with blue skies, while they are still shoveling out their driveways... Who needs seasons anyway?
I really like to rub it in by sending photos of myself at the beach, driving in a convertible, applying sunscreen, BBQing in the backyard, donning shades and even an umbrella to keep the warm sun off of my back! Read More...
Parenting Without Panic
February/28/2008 05:53 PM Filed in: Parenting | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Humor | Satire
By Nicole Hanratty
It has to be said right off, that I am borrowing this title, “Parenting without Panic,” from a seminar advertised on a local high school’s upcoming events board.
Now most people would drive by a sign like this and think, “Very appropriate in today’s time. I might have to check that out.” I drive by a sign like this and think, “There’s my next article!”
So, without further ado, it is my pleasure to announce the winner of this year’s Best Example of an Oxymoron! Read More...
Parenting Without Panic
February/28/2008 05:53 PM Filed in: Parenting | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Humor | Satire
By Nicole Hanratty
It has to be said right off, that I am borrowing this title, “Parenting without Panic,” from a seminar advertised on a local high school’s upcoming events board.
Now most people would drive by a sign like this and think, “Very appropriate in today’s time. I might have to check that out.” I drive by a sign like this and think, “There’s my next article!”
So, without further ado, it is my pleasure to announce the winner of this year’s Best Example of an Oxymoron! Read More...
And the Winner is...
by Nicole Hanratty
All dressed up in my favorite winter white outfit, I was out for the night at a glamorous Hollywood style Academy Awards viewing party. The “Celebrity Parking Only” sign held my spot in the driveway and cameras were flashing as I entered the party in my own mind.
Kids were running the show and the High School Musical Wii game was going strong on the big screen! Can anyone else feel our pain? Read More...
Lysol Queen Goes Crazy
February/21/2008 05:28 PM Filed in: Cleaning | Satire | Humor | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Sick
by Nicole Hanratty
Tonight on the eleven o’clock news... After a brutal flu season, a local mother starts out with the intent of sanitizing her home but “allegedly” the fumes go to her head.
(cue music) Good evening everyone!
They’re calling her the “Lysol Queen.” Officers said when they arrived at her home last night the woman admitted to “Lysol”ing her house non-stop for twelve hours straight.
It started with the couch that her husband had been attached to for four days, then she moved on to door knobs, bathroom fixtures, kitchen appliance handles and she couldn’t bring herself to stop. Read More...
Road Rage
February/16/2008 05:13 PM Filed in: Driving | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Satire | Humor
by Nicole Hanratty
Personally, I don’t have any Road Rage. But there are certain things I just can’t understand...
For instance, what happened to common courtesy and letting people change lanes so they can exit the freeway?
Why am I getting honked at when I’m stopped waiting for a pedestrian to cross the street? They do still have the right away last time I checked.
Why are people so hesitant to turn left at arrow signals? Green means go! Heck, even a little yellow means go! How many of these signals do I have to sit through? Should I get out a book? Read More...
Mom, MD
February/08/2008 04:11 PM Filed in: Moms | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Medical | Satire | Humor | Sick
by Nicole Hanratty
I love the phone calls from school that start, “Mrs. Hanratty, I don’t want to alarm you, but...” Forget it. You already have.
Does anyone know if Ebay sells manuals for children? Mine seem to be missing... And right about now, I could really use one.
What scares me the most is the relief on the face of school personnel when I show up, as if I have all the answers! “I’m just a mom,” I think to myself in a panic. “I don’t know what to do!” Read More...
Did You Get the Hash Browns?
February/05/2008 03:49 PM Filed in: Moms | Nicole Hanratty | Humor | Husbands | Life of a Rock Star | Satire | Shopping
by Nicole Hanratty
It’s seven a.m. My day started two hours ago. (Self-imposed; no need for violins.) But any minute now, my adorable husband will return home from the gym, open the refrigerator and ask me, “Did you get the hash browns yet?” I will have to reply, “No.”
Yes, it is true; we have been out of them for over a week. But I have not been to the Hash Brown Market in over a week. (Fever, flu, strep throat- but really, no excuses please!) His sad face will make me feel guilty as if I don’t do anything else during the day and I really have no valid reason for not providing him with his beloved hash browns.
But this is really just the tip of the iceberg. My shortcomings fall so much greater than this.
Here is a list of other things I have not yet done: Read More...
Carpool Drama
January/27/2008 02:37 PM Filed in: Satire | Nicole Hanratty | Drama | Moms | School | Life of a Rock Star
by Nicole Hanratty
This just in... School Carpool - a hotspot for drama! Bleary eyed mom’s do morning drive by hello waves, catching some and avoiding others. Watch out though, that innocent wave hello or lack thereof could be misconstrued. A turn of the head, a major snub.
Every morning and every afternoon, school parking lots and carpool lines bring about the very best and the very worst in those who navigate them.
Outfits are judged. “What is she wearing, anyway?” “Could that tennis skirt be any shorter?” “Didn’t she just wear that last week?” “Are those her only jeans?” “I always wear four inch heels to drop off my child...” “Oh, for the love of God, who does she think she’s kidding? Hasn’t she heard the rule? No mini skirts after age 35.” “Does she own that same Juicy sweat outfit in every color? (Lucky!)” Read More...
Catch Me On a Good Day
by Nicole Hanratty
I would love to tell all of my loyal readers that my life is fabulous every single day and that it is action packed filled with excitement and glamour. Even better would be to tell you all that I wake up every day with a brilliant smile on my face ready to tackle the world. Au contraire, my friends! Au contraire! My life is a polarized fusion of savoir faire and banality.
On any given day you could catch me doing any or all of the following in my husband’s self-envisioned french maid’s uniform: cleaning up the dog’s homemade special gifts left just for lucky me to clean up in the backyard; patronizing not one but three markets I’m required to frequent each week to accommodate the particular appetites/food allergies in my ingredient-challenged family; ironing extra crisp creases in the ever-looming laundry pile; restocking perfumed soaps (melangeapothecary.com) in the washrooms; tackling stacks of mail (i.e. bills) trying to organize my overtaxed desk; running four thousand errands none of which are for my own personal benefit; and carrying around my aforementioned dog who can’t stand to be without me for even a moment while I perform aforementioned chores. Read More...
Living the Life of a Rock Star™
by Nicole Hanratty
Ever wonder why, as a mother, you can spend 20 minutes on a Saturday morning standing in front of your husband and daughter trying to engage in conversation with no response until you walk away to use the bathroom?
“Knock! Knock! Knock!” Someone is pounding on the bathroom door as if it can’t wait.
“Is somebody bleeding?” I holler as I instantly revert back to my camp counselor days.
“No, but I just wanted to tell you Mommy that next week at school I want hot lunch on Tuesday.”
“Okay honey. I’ll jot that down on a tiny piece of toilet paper.”
“Knock! Knock! Knock!”
“Yeeeessss....” Now I have realized my fate.
“Oh, honey, you’re in there,” my husband responds as if he has just discovered me after a long journey.
I mean really, if I’m not in the kitchen or the laundry room, where else would I be? Read More...
